Toolbox

Love Languages

There are so many kinds of relations and relationships that can exist. The beautiful part of loving someone is, well, loving someone. The kicker is that they’re probably not perfect and neither of you. Sometimes you don’t see eye-to-eye, you feel ignored, they don’t understand why you wish they’d compliment you more often, you don’t understand why they want to sit next to you but in complete silence, they don’t light up when you surprise them with their favorite candy bar, etc. These things are almost always a direct result of not speaking the same love language, or expressing love the way they want to hear/see/feel it and vise versa. To have a clearer idea of what actions help you feel best loved and how you can best show love to those around you, learn about your love languages.

Low-Commitment, Low-Stress Hobbies

When life is chaotic and we’re stretched in a thousand directions, we usually forget to practice self-care activities. We likely have lost the interest or energy to even remember what our self-care activities are. If you need a distraction but don’t want to invest in anything that will take even more from you, find a low-commitment hobby that can boost your mood. My personal suggestions include:

• Simple, cute video games like Stardew Valley and Animal Crossing. Cut grass, pick weeds, water plants, play dress up, and zone out

• Paint by numbers

• Diamond art

• Set up an ocean wave or star projector to splash color across your room. Turn the lights off, lay down, watch and breathe

• Yoga or stretching

• Audio books

• Plants… resilient ones. Just in case.

• Knitting or crocheting. No elaborate beanies or booties for your friend’s baby, just a simple scarf will do

Ice Pack

In moments of high anxiety, grab an ice pack from your freezer. If you don’t have one, don’t worry, just grab the next best thing - the frozen peas that expired 3 months ago, a bag of ice, even toss an orange in the freezer now so that it’s cold and hard when you need it. Put the ice pack against the back of your neck, the inside of your wrist, or on the center of your chest. It might be uncomfortable, but the sensation of the cold against your skin may be enough to ground you. The ice pack on your chest may also stimulate your vagus nerve, kick starting regulation of your nervous system.

Communication Skills

Communication goes hand-in-hand with love languages in terms of things that most often disrupt relationships. If you’ve got love languages down pat, reflect on the way you communicate. If confrontation makes you sweaty and nauseous, try bit by bit to be more assertive. Confrontation doesn’t mean you should scream at your husband, just that you should respectfully inform him of a topic needing attention and tell him directly what action you’d appreciate him taking. There’s always a risk of the other party getting upset during a confrontation but their response is their choice; your responsibility to yourself and that other party is just to say your piece respectfully and with self-advocacy, then leave the ball in their court. If a face-to-face conversation is too intimidating, start with a text or phone call, or sharing a journal with someone who lives with you so that you can pass it back and forth to be read and responded to privately. Also learn to take accountability for what part you may have played in someone else’s hurt - it’s ok to make mistakes, it’s not ok to hop on your high horse and do donuts on it.

Guided Body Scan

A lot of us aren’t big fans of guided meditations; listening to someone telling you to empty your mind can cause you to hyperfocus on what you’re trying not to think about. Try a body scan, which is a form of guided meditation with a bit more intentionality. It will walk you through assessing the sensations throughout your body and how to release any tension or discomfort.

Here’s a video.

5-4-3-2-1

If you are overwhelmed and overstimulated, on the verge of a panic or anxiety attack, step away from your mind and focus on what is happening right here, right now. Remember that in this moment, the present is all that matters. Everything else can wait. Follow these steps of the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique:

1. Look around the room. List 5 things that you can see

2. List 4 things that you can feel; not just your clothes or a blanket, but the breeze from the fan or the heat of the dog in your lap

3. Close your eyes. List 3 things that you can hear

4. List 2 things that you can smell. If it doesn’t smell great where you are, imagine your favorite scents instead

5. Lastly, list one thing you can taste. If you prefer, imagine your favorite taste instead

Now, evaluate how you’re feeling. Hopefully all the weight has been lifted off of your shoulders.